Friends, Fears, and Fake Texting

Like all the other first-year students on campus, Monday was my first day of classes! I was so excited to begin school! Before I even moved on campus for orientation, I bought myself a brand new messenger bag with a pocket just for my new laptop, an entire package of Ticonderoga pencils (because everyone knows they are the best of the best), and a laptop that is so shiny and new that I still wipe off my fingerprints when I'm done using it. I was so prepared for my first day of classes! When Monday FINALLY rolled around, I woke up early, laced up my converse, walked out the door with my head held high...

...and was late to my first official class as a student at Saint Michael's College.

There is something about walking into a class full of expectant strangers- dozens and dozens of eyes staring directly at you- that is extremely humbling.

I was only a minute or two late, but my shoulders fell as I made my way quickly to the last seat in the first row of desks. I slouched down in the chair, imagining that I was the smallest speck on the smallest of small clovers- no easy feat for a six-foot-tall Vermont girl.

The class began, and I made sure to stay as quiet as I possibly could. I put myself into the Comfort Bubble that I perfected in high school. I could look out and take in my surroundings, but if anyone had looked back, all they would have seen was the shiny surface that surrounded me.

I want to sidetrack for a moment to explain myself a little. I come from a small town; there were 140 students in my high school, which was grades 7-12. My reality has always been that everyone knew everything about everyone else. No privacy, no chance for a personality change. A little isolated bubble of forced friendships and never-ending drama.

It wasn’t my favorite situation.

In order to protect myself from the culture of such a small school, I developed a pretty severe comfort zone that I rarely stepped out of; I attended leadership conferences and camps, sure, but only when I had a friend with me to hold my hand the whole way. College was a big, scary new obstacle, a looming figure of danger, lurking in the shadows in front of me. For the past two months, almost every one of my waking thoughts has been a fear or worry about making friends, about fending for myself, about being an adult.

Yeah, the idea of college was terrifying.

So far, however, Saint Mike’s has been nothing but fun. My O-Leaders were fantastic; they were nice, outgoing, funny- a power team. My classes have been enjoyable these past few days. My dorm room has become a new comfort zone, but I have not spent as much time there as I had assumed I was going to. I have friends whose personalities match mine! And as much as I hate to admit it, I am looking forward to going to workstudy tomorrow!

So college wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be. I quickly learned that it is, in fact, acceptable to sit down with complete strangers in Alliot- even the upperclassmen (which I discovered one day accidentally, but they have all been so nice- even when they find out I’m a freshman! If anything, they become friendlier, asking how everything is going!) My parents visited campus yesterday to drop off my refrigerator, bicycle, and a few other items, and they didn’t believe me when I told them I had made friends. They gave each other skeptical looks. It must have been a pleasant surprise for them when we took a stroll across campus and multiple people stopped me to say hello or tell me how cute my little brother was. J (Take that, mom and dad!)

Not all of the awkwardness has passed. I still keep one hand on my bookbag so it doesn’t swing by my side in a wide arc. I still look down at the sidewalk when I pass a group of people. And I still use Facebook mobile or pretend to text when I am eating breakfast in Alliot alone, before my friends have woken up in the mornings. But it’s only been a week, and I’m excited to see what this whole semester has to offer. J